It’s no secret that a lot of people are living unhappy lives. You don’t have to search very hard to find someone who is unhappy and miserable. Personally, I only need to go as far as my local grocery store to find someone who is chronically unhappy.
There is a guy that works the check out line at the grocery store where I shop that is always unhappy. I’ll refer to him as Joe. Every time I see Joe, he looks miserable and angry.
I feel bad for the guy. In fact, I often try to avoid his check-out line because I feel like I’m making his day worse by giving him more work to do. I try being friendly by making small talk but it never works. Like I said, he is chronically unhappy.
Now, I’m not saying that Joe should be laughing and smiling every moment of the day, but he should at least make an effort.
I have no idea why Joe is so miserable. It could be that he hates his job, or it could be that he has always been miserable. What I do know is that there are common habits that most unhappy people share.
One day, after having an unusually unpleasant encounter with Joe, I started to ponder this question, “Why are so many people unhappy?”
After I got back to my home office, I went into research mode. To my surprise, this topic has become increasingly popular over the past couple of years, so I had no trouble finding quality articles and research covering this topic.
In this article I want to share with you some of the best information that I found. Here are the 9 destructive habits that unhappy people have in common. Let’s get started!
Table of Contents
1.They Compare Themselves to Others
Many unhappy people fall into the comparison trap. This is when people compare themselves to others. We’ve all been guilty of this at some point in our lives. It’s part of human nature. It’s difficult not to compare yourself to your friends, family and co-workers.
For example, let’s say that your friend gets a shiny new BMW. He comes to your house to pick you up and take you out for a spin. Once you see him pull up to your house you immediately start comparing his new BMW to your gently used Honda. Suddenly, you feel a sense of inadequacy wash over you and you feel the sudden urge to buy a new car.
Unfortunately, this is an all too common occurrence and it almost always leads to unhappiness. Comparing yourself to others is a battle that cannot be won. There will always be someone else who is smarter, wealthier, better looking, taller, faster, thinner, you name it.
The only person you should be comparing yourself to is you. Place all your attention and focus on yourself. This will allow you to take stock of your life so you focus on the areas that need work.
You should always strive to be a better version of yourself every day. This can sound like a daunting task but it’s actually very simple. Notice how I said simple, not easy. You don’t need to make huge improvements every single day. You only need to make micro improvements.
For instance, let’s say that your friend posted a picture on Instagram of their recent 25-pound weight loss and they look thin and happy. After seeing how happy and healthy they look, you start to feel a little envious. But Instead of wallowing in self-pity, you decide to stop comparing yourself to your friend and focus solely on yourself.
You decide that you would also like to lose some extra weight. You examine your habits and decide that you need to start to exercise more. You start by walking every morning for 30 minutes. This early morning walk helps you start the day in a positive mood and makes it easier to make healthy choices throughout the day. You continue this routine every day for two months and before you know it, you’ve lost 20 pounds.
It’s only by focusing on ourselves and not others that we can live happy healthy lives. If you spend your time focusing only on what others have, do, or say, you will live an unfulfilled and unhappy life.
“The reason why we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” -Steven Furtick
2. They Hang Out with The Wrong People
It’s true what they say, “like attracts like”. Essentially, this means that unhappy people will attract other unhappy people.
Another common saying is “misery likes company”. In other words, miserable people like to surround themselves with other miserable people.
It’s important to be selective about who you spend your time with. If you hang out with negative, pessimistic, unhappy people, you will eventually become negative, pessimistic, and unhappy.
If you feel like you’re not as happy as you used to be, take stock of the people that you are spending time with. Are they generally happy, positive, and supportive or are they unhappy, negative, and critical?
If they’re the latter than it’s time to cut them loose. This might sound a bit harsh but it’s necessary. If you don’t, they will inevitably bring you down with them.
Unhappy people won’t tolerate being with someone who is happy. It makes them even more unhappy. It’s creates a downward spiral of misery.
Instead, find people who are genuinely positive and supportive and make friends with them. The more time you spend with them, the more their positivity will rub off on you.
Eventually, they will introduce you to their happy and positive friends and before you know it, your circle of friends will be made up of like-minded people who will support and encourage you.
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” – Jim Rohn
3. They Try to Be Perfect
I have a confession to make, I am a recovering perfectionist. I know, it’s shocking. I used to obsess over the quality of my work to the point that it was really affecting my physical and emotional health.
Fortunately, I came to the realization that perfection isn’t realistic.
Striving to be perfect will invariably lead to disappointment. People who try to be perfect are generally unhappy because they set their expectations so high that they never achieve them.
If you attach your happiness to achieving a level of perfection in everything that you do, you will never be happy.
Achieving perfection isn’t a realistic goal. Now, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with striving for excellence but trying to be perfect is setting the bar a little too high. Especially, if your happiness and self-worth is tied to achieving perfection.
Instead of striving for perfection, focus on making progress. This will help to shift your mindset from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. Focus solely on making small improvements every day. This will help alleviate the stress and anxiety that comes from a perfectionistic attitude.
Another effective strategy is setting firm deadlines. This will help to create a sense of urgency so you can focus on getting your best work done. Having a deadline will also keep you from making constant edits and improvements.
For example, I always set deadline for my blog posts, because if I don’t, I will spend the whole day editing. I put forth my best effort and then when my deadline comes up, I release it to the world. This strategy keeps me productive, focused, and sane.
The goal is to do good work and finish by a certain time, not to achieve perfection. Put in your best effort and then let it go. Once you’re finished, move on to the next thing.
“Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.” – Harriet B. Braiker
4. They Think Too Much
I’m not saying that unhappy people think more than everyone else, but they do tend to spend more time ruminating.
The problem with this is that rumination almost always leads to depression and/or anxiety. In fact, research has shown that people who have a tendency to ruminate are less happy than those who don’t.
In one survey of 1,300 adults, ruminators were found to develop major depression four times as often as non-ruminators.
What exactly is rumination?
Good question. Rumination is essentially when someone thinks obsessively of the symptoms of their distress. People who ruminate tend to focus on the probable causes and consequences and not on possible solutions.
Fortunately, there is an effective technique that can offer relief and it’s called mindfulness. Now, before you roll your eyes, hear me out. Mindfulness is simply the act of being in the present moment.
Yes, mindfulness is also used as a form of meditation but for this article I’m using mindfulness in its most basic form.
If ruminating about the past or future leads to depression than being present in the moment should have the opposite effect, right?
This is precisely what the research supports. According to a 2019 study, mindfulness was shown to be effective in reducing depression and anxiety while mediating roles of worry, rumination, reappraisal and suppression.
How is mindfulness practiced?
Another good question. It’s actually quite simple. Mindfulness is practiced by paying attention to your breath as it moves in and out through your nose. As thoughts arise, simply less them pass and refocus on your breath. The more effortless, the better. Don’t try to fight your thoughts. Let them come and go. Continue this for however long feels right.
You can practice mindfulness with your eyes open or closed. Mindfulness meditation is commonly practiced with the eyes closed.
When I catch myself ruminating, I’ll sit upright in my chair, close my eyes, and follow my breath. If I have a thought, I simply return my attention back to my breath. I’ll do this for 5-10 minutes throughout the day. It’s helps to strengthen my focus and reduce mind wandering. Give it a try for yourself!
“Overthinking is parasitic. It’s viral. It’s deadly, even. Letting yourself fall victim to overthinking doesn’t just kill your happiness, it destroys who you are. The mind is a beautiful and complex thing, and the only person who can hurt it is yourself.” – Genereux Philip
5. They Play the Victim Card
Life is tough and sometimes it can feel like the whole world is out to get you. Fortunately, this is not the case. The world is not conspiring to make your life miserable, although I know it can sometimes feel that way.
Everyone is struggling on some level; even super successful people struggle. Yes, believe it or not people like Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos struggle from time to time. It’s just the way the world works, and it is part of the human experience.
Despite this fact, many people still see themselves as victims. They view their personal circumstances as something that is outside of their control. They don’t see themselves as being responsible for where they are in life. They don’t feel the need to take responsibility or take action to make their life better. This kind of mentality leaves people feeling helpless and hopeless.
It’s no surprise then that people who have this victim-based mentality are often very unhappy. Personally, if I viewed the world as a harsh and cruel place, I would be unhappy too.
The good news is that there are ways to break out of a victim mentality. To start, you must take full ownership of your life. No matter what your situation, own it. This will empower you to get back in the driver’s seat and take charge of your life.
Next, forgive yourself and others. People who play the victim card often blame others for their circumstances in life. To get out of the victim mentality you must forgive anyone who has ever done you wrong. While you’re at it, forgive yourself too. Let go of any regrets and ill will and move on.
Finally, you must take action. Taking action is the only way to improve your situation so you can move forward in life. Take massive action every single day and don’t let anyone hold you back. Set a goal, make a plan, and execute daily.
“If it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.” -Richard Bach
6. They See their Glass as Half Empty
We all view life differently. Each person has their own unique personality and perspective on life. We view life through our own subjective experience. Some people see life as a game which is full of possibilities and others see life as corrupt and unfair.
Each person may or may not be right, it doesn’t really matter either way. What matters is their perception. Their subjective experience depends on their own thoughts and beliefs.
Unhappy people tend to view their life through a pessimistic lens. They see their glass as half empty as opposed to half full.
For instance, I have a friend who has a glass half empty kind of mindset. No matter what good things come his way he always manages to find something negative about it. For example, my friend wasn’t happy with the salary he was making at his job, so he started searching for a new place to work. After a couple of weeks, he was hired at a new company that offered better pay and benefits. Instead of celebrating, he started complaining about the break room at his new office. Apparently, they didn’t offer the same drinks and snacks as his previous employer. That is a glass half empty mindset. As you can guess, he wasn’t happy at his new job either.
If you have a pessimistic outlook on life and tend to view your glass as half empty, don’t worry, there is an effective way to fill your cup, so to speak.
The most effective way to shift from being a pessimist to an optimist that I’ve found is gratitude. If you’ve read my other articles you know I talk a lot about gratitude. The reason for this is simply because it works.
It’s impossible to be in a bad mood and grateful at the same time. Negativity and gratitude cannot coexist. They are like oil and water.
I recommend starting with a gratitude journal. Start by writing down three to five things from that day that you are grateful for every evening before bed. It doesn’t have to be something major, like a promotion or winning the lottery. Start with small things. Find things that you are genuinely grateful for, like having both legs or having your health. Over time this will shift your perspective and you will naturally find more things in your life to be grateful for.
“Doesn’t matter if the glass is half-empty or half-full. All that matters is that you are the one pouring the water.” – Mark Cuban
7. They Sweat the Small Stuff
You’re probably familiar with the adage “don’t sweat the small stuff” and “don’t make a mountain out of a molehill”. These were common sayings that our parents and teachers drilled into our heads growing up.
These timeless sayings are meant to remind us not waste time stressing about the small things in life and not to exaggerate the importance of our problems.
Despite having these sayings drilled into our heads throughout our lives, it’s still difficult to not stress over seemingly insignificant things. Even if we know that worrying or stressing over a situation isn’t going to fix it.
For instance, how often do you stress over missing a green light? Or have you ever found your self stressing out because someone didn’t text you back?
I’m guessing you answered YES to both examples. Not to worry, we all do these things.
However, it becomes a problem when people worry and stress over every little curve ball that life throws at them. These people can be classified as chronic worriers. People who are chronic worriers are often very unhappy.
This is because they spend most of their time worried and stressed out and they don’t leave any room to be happy.
Fortunately, there is an effective way that we can train ourselves to stop sweating the small stuff and start enjoying life again.
The most effective way that I’ve found is by putting things in perspective. This is done by stepping back and comparing your problem or situation to someone else’s.
For instance, when ever I’m late to an appointment and I’m racing through traffic in my car, instead of stressing out over the traffic I will pause and take notice of someone who is walking in the rain. I may be late for my appointment and stuck in traffic but at least I have the comfort and convenience of owning a car. Many people don’t have the means to buy a car. By comparing my situation to someone else’s situation, I’m better able to put things in perspective.
“Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and celebrate the journey” – Fitzhugh Mullan
8. They Watch TV
Watching TV has practically become a national past time. According to Neilson, television is still the most used electronic medium for adults. The average adult in the US watches almost 4 ½ hours of television per day. https://s3.amazonaws.com/media.mediapost.com/uploads/NielsenTotalAudienceReportQ12019.pdf#
That’s more time than adults spent on their smartphones, which is about 3 hours per day. This is a shocking amount of media time. Especially, considering how many people consume media on both their smartphones and TV.
The problem with watching TV and consuming media is that it leads to unhappiness. In fact, research has shown that unhappy people watch more TV than their happier counter parts. You might be thinking, “Well, maybe unhappy people watch more TV because they’re unhappy. It doesn’t necessarily mean that TV is the cause, right?”
Well, yes and no. Let me explain, the University of Maryland conducted a study where they analyzed 34 years of data that was collected from 45,000 study participants. The researchers found that watching TV can make you happy in the short term, but it is likely to make you unhappy in the long term.
The reason for this is because watching TV takes you away from doing other activities that will lead to longer term happiness, such as, spending time with family and friends or practicing your favorite hobby. Just as long as your favorite hobby isn’t watching TV.
Furthermore, TV and social media are often very negative. Especially, if you watch the news or reality TV. These shows are designed to appeal to the more primitive parts of your brain. The fighting and drama release a steady stream of the feel-good neurotransmitter dopamine. That’s what makes these shows so addicting.
It’s interesting to note that the researchers found that activities such as sex, reading and socializing were associated with the highest levels of overall happiness.
Don’t worry, you don’t have to quit watching TV cold turkey. I recommend keeping track of how much TV and media you watch every day and slowly reducing your watch time. Try to get your total watch time down to 2 hours per day.
Personally, I don’t watch TV anymore. Once I realized how much time I was wasting watching TV, I stopped. Since I stopped watching TV my productivity has skyrocketed and my overall happiness level has improved. The best part, I don’t even miss it.
“TV news is as bloody as Shakespeare but without the intelligence and the poetry. If you watch television news you know less about the world than if you drank gin out of a bottle.” – Garrison Keillor
