Have you ever been accused of being a people pleaser? If so, did you take it as an insult or a compliment? The reason I ask is because it can be received either way.
Some people don’t mind being called a people pleaser. In fact, they might take pride in the fact that they like to make other people happy.
Others like myself, don’t like the idea of being called a “people pleaser”. In my mind, someone who is a people pleaser has the following attributes:
- Desperate to make people like them
- Easily taken advantage of
- Won’t stick up for themselves
- Basically, a pushover
Now, this doesn’t mean that I dislike people pleasers. In fact, the opposite is true, I really like people pleasers. They are usually very nice and easy-going people. I have a few friends that I would classify as people pleasers and I really enjoy their company.
However, this doesn’t mean that I would like to be a people pleaser myself. Allow me to explain. People who are always trying to please others are never allowing their true authentic selves to come out. They are too concerned with making other people happy and comfortable.
You may think you doing the right thing by trying to please others, but in truth you are making things worse for yourself.
Being a people pleaser is a slippery slope. Once people identify you as a people pleaser, they are more likely to take advantage of you and use you like a doormat.
This isn’t because they are bad people. It’s because that they are opportunists. They see an opportunity to benefit from your eagerness to please. This is one of the reasons why you don’t want people thinking of you as a people pleaser.
Another reason is that you aren’t allowing your authentic self to come out. Whether it’s from a fear of not being liked or a fear of conflict, being a people pleaser will never solve the underlying issues.
The only way to truly be comfortable in your own skin is to be your true authentic self, and this means giving up the habit of being a people pleaser.
I want to share with you 7 tips that helped me to stop being a people pleaser and hopefully these tips will help you too!
Table of Contents
1. Learn to Say No
Learning to say no is an important first step in your journey to stop being a people pleaser. The ability to say no is important for not just people pleasers but for everyone. If you don’t want to do something you should be comfortable telling someone “No”.
People pleasers often have a hard time saying no. If someone asks them for a favor, they feel obligated to say yes. They do this because they don’t want to come across as rude.
For instance, have you ever had someone ask you to drive them to the airport at an inconvenient time? I know I have. If you’re a people pleaser you probably said yes, even though you really didn’t want to.
Guess who that person is going to call next time they need to get picked up from the airport at midnight? You guessed it, you!
This is the problem. Being a people pleaser can put you in compromising situations.
For example, let’s say your friend asks you to pick them up from the airport at midnight. They tell you that you’re the only person they can rely on and that it would mean the world to them. The only problem is that you need to be at work at 8am the next day to prep for an important deal. Being the people pleaser that you are, you reluctantly agree to pick them up. Well, after you pick them up from the airport, drop them off at their house and make it back home, you only have a couple of hours before you have to go to work. You get a measly couple of hours of sleep and drag yourself into work. When you arrive at work you are so tired and exhausted that you forget to prep for your meeting, and you blow the deal.
You might say, well I was just doing a friend a favor by picking them up from the airport. Yes, but you were also sacrificing your sleep which can have negative impacts on your health, life and work. This is a perfect example of the importance of saying “No”.
Your friends and family may be upset at first, but they will get over it. In fact, the more that you stick up for yourself and say no to things that you don’t want to do, they will start to respect you for it.
Who knows, other people pleasers might even be inspired by your courage and candor. You may inspire others to also stick up for themselves and have the courage to say no.
“Learn the art of saying “NO”. Don’t lie. Don’t make excuses. Don’t over-explain yourself. Just simply decline.” – Unknown
2. Set Boundaries
If you want to stop being a people pleaser then you must learn to set firm boundaries. Setting firm boundaries will make it much easier to say no to things that you don’t want to do.
People pleasers don’t have firm boundaries. They are at the mercy of the people in their lives. If someone wants a favor, they know they can call on their friend “the people pleaser” and he will do whatever they need. It’s sad but true.
For instance, suppose you get a call Saturday morning from a friend and he wants you to help him move. Well, Saturday is the only day of the week that you truly get to relax and unwind. Unfortunately, you are a people pleaser, so you forgo your day of relaxation and help your friend lug his incredibly heavy furniture instead. In the process you end up hurting your back and spend the next week unable to work and you get fired from you job. All because you couldn’t establish boundaries. Ok, hopefully you wouldn’t get fired from your job, but you get my point.
If you establish firm boundaries that your friends and family can understand, then they won’t get upset when you say no to one of their requests.
For instance, say you establish a firm boundary that Saturdays are your day to catch up on rest and recuperate. You explain to your friends and family that you work hard all week and Saturday is your day of rest.
If you establish this boundary and are firm about it, then people won’t be upset or surprised when you don’t break that boundary to do them a favor. In fact, they will expect you to say no.
This makes saying no even easier. By setting boundaries you are establishing expectations. If people know that Saturday is your day to rest, then they will expect you to spend that time resting.
They wont even bother trying to get you to break your boundaries. In fact, they may even feel guilty for asking.
It’s ok to help out friends and family once and awhile, just don’t let people take advantage of you. If you are a people pleaser then this is bound to happen.
If you are a people pleaser, start by setting firm boundaries. Once you do let your friends and family know what they are. It might take some time before they get used to your new boundaries but eventually, they will.
Once they do you should have no problem telling people no. If you decide that you do want to spend your Saturday helping your friend move, then they will be extra grateful because you broke your boundaries to help them move.
“We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person’s feelings.” – Melody Beatie
3. Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable
If you want to stop being a people pleaser then you must learn to get comfortable being uncomfortable. This is because once you start standing up for yourself and telling people “No”, there’s a good chance it will feel uncomfortable. Guess what? That’s ok.
Everything that’s good is on the other side of fear and discomfort. You must learn to expand your comfort zone and be ok with uncertainty.
And don’t worry, you’re not letting people down, your just not abiding to their every request. Your putting yourself first for a change and they need to learn to be ok with that.
For instance, let’s say a co-worker asks you to help them with a project. She’s been procrastinating on a project and now her manager is requesting it. She explains that she is behind on her work and really needs your help. The only problem is that this will take you away from completing your own work. Your co-worker knows this but doesn’t really care. She only cares about saving her job. This puts you in an awkward position and you start to feel very uncomfortable. You realize that she is trying to take advantage of you and despite feeling uncomfortable you tell her “Sorry, but no”. She is surprised by this, but understands.
In order to grow and expand you must be willing to be uncomfortable. This is often referred to as “growing pains”.
If you’re uncomfortable, that’s good. Being uncomfortable means that your growing. You’re pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone and establishing a new level of competence. It may take a while, but you will soon get used to it.
If you persist on pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone, your uncomfortable zone will soon become your comfort zone and once this happens it’s time to push a little further.
To put this into action, start by doing something small that makes you uncomfortable. For instance, strike up a conversation with a total stranger. Most people find this to be very uncomfortable but the more you do it the easier it becomes.
After you do this a couple of times, you will gain more confidence and comfort in talking with total strangers. Who knows, you may even enjoy it. I can tell you it’s a great skill for networking.
Also, be mindful of your inner dialogue. Notice if you are having self-defeating thoughts. Try to manager your self-talk and be encouraging to yourself. Don’t put yourself down. You should always be your own biggest supporter.
Find occasions where you can push yourself out of your comfort zone. If someone asks you to do something and you don’t want to do it, tell them “No”.
Get comfortable sticking up for yourself and soon it will become totally natural.
“Be willing to be uncomfortable. Be comfortable being uncomfortable. It may get tough, but it’s a small price to pay for living a dream.” – Peter McWilliams
4. Buy Yourself Some Time
I think everyone can admit that It can be difficult to say no to people’s requests. It’s even more difficult if you’re a people pleaser. People pleasers have a deep desire to be liked so they will often agree to do something even though they don’t really want to.
For instance, say your friend asks you to go out clubbing with them. You aren’t really into the clubbing scene anymore, so you really don’t want to go. However, your inner people pleaser tells you that your friend might resent you for not going. Despite your immense dislike for the clubbing scene you say yes. Moments later you find yourself regretting saying yes and kicking yourself for being such a push over.
Have you been in a similar situation?
I’m guessing that you have. I know I have.
So, why do people pleasers say “yes” when they really want to say “no”?
Well, we know that they fear upsetting people or having someone dislike them, but there is more to it than just that.
Part of the reason why people pleasers give in to other people’s requests is because they don’t give themselves enough time to think about it.
They have a habit of saying “yes” too much. It’s almost an involuntary reaction. Saying “yes” has essentially become their default response. This is not a good habit to have and it must be broken.
In order to break this nasty habit, you need to create some space between the person’s request and your response. In other words, when someone asks you to do something that you really don’t want to do, simply tell them “let me get back to you about that”.
This will provide you with enough space to step back and consider your options. If you decide that you wouldn’t mind accompanying your friend to his ex-girlfriend’s birthday party then go for it. However, if you decide that you have better things that you could be doing with your time, simply say “Sorry, maybe next time.”
This strategy is an effective way to so “no” to people’s requests. So, next time someone asks you for a favor, simply tell them “Let me get back to you about that” or “Let me think about it”.
This will give you enough time and space to think before saying “yes”. Who knows, they may forget they ever asked you.
“When you say “yes” to others, make sure you’re not saying “no” to yourself.” – Paulo Coelho
5. Stop Worrying What Others Think of You
This may come as a surprise to you, but no really cares about what you say or do. I know, it’s shocking! Don’t worry, this doesn’t mean that people don’t care about you.
It just means that they don’t lay awake at night obsessing over something that you said to them a week ago.
For instance, let’s say that your friend calls you late one night and asks you to pick him up from the bar and drive him home. Well, you have work in the morning, so this request is out of the question. However, the people pleaser in you starts to worry about what your friend will think of you if you say “no”. Fortunately, you remind yourself that you are no longer a people pleaser and you’re your friend will have to get over it. The next time you see your friend you discover that he ended up getting an Uber and everything worked out fine. In fact, your friend is embarrassed for calling you so late.
This example illustrates how little people actually think about us. They may get upset for a couple of days, but life goes on and they will soon get over it.
Most people are very busy, and they simply don’t have the time or energy to sit around and think about something that you did or said.
Especially, if it is something that is inconsequential, which it almost always is.
So, next time you fear saying “no” to someone, remind yourself that you don’t have to worry about what they might think of you.
Simply tell them “Sorry, I can’t” and leave it at that. Most likely they will say “ok” and leave it at that.
“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt
6. Raise Your Standards
In order to stop being a people pleaser you must learn to raise your standards. Everyone has a baseline level of standards for every aspect of their lives.
Whether it’s for your weight, your income, your friends, your significant other, your appearance, and your how you let people treat you.
That’s right, your standards even reflect how you let people treat you. If your standards for self-respect are low, then you are more likely to allow people to treat you poorly and take advantage of you.
You’re probably thinking, “Where do my standards come from?”
That’s a good question. Most of our standards are unconscious and they are indoctrinated into us by our family and teachers when we are young. Most of us can’t even remember what events helped to establish our standards.
Fortunately, it doesn’t matter where you got your standards from, the only thing that matters is that you recognize what your level your standards are now and commit to raising them.
If you want to know what your current level your standards are set at, you need to examine your life. If you believe that you are people pleaser then you need to examine your relationships.
How do people treat you? Do people respect you or do they take advantage of you? If you find that people often call you for favors and don’t reciprocate, then you are being taken advantage of.
This means that people see you as a people pleaser and someone that they can call on for favors. Now, there’s nothing wrong with helping a friend out once and a while, but don’t let take advantage of your generosity. Make sure they reciprocate.
If you take stock of your relationships and notice that people tend to take advantage of you, its time to increase your standards.
Steps to Increase Your Standards
- Gain Clarity: Take a good hard look at your relationships and write down on a piece of paper how the people in your life treat you. Do they treat you well and show you respect, or do constantly call you for favors and never reciprocate? If it’s the latter, then they see you as a people pleaser.
- Set New Standards: On that same piece of paper write down how you want people to treat you. Do you want them to show you respect? What does that look like? Be specific and take your time. You want to be as clear and concise as possible. List all the ways that you would like people to treat you and don’t hold back.
- Implement and Enforce: Now that you have established your new set of standards, make them the rules that you live by. Read them daily until you have them memorized. Do not waiver from your new standards. So, if someone calls you for a favor and you don’t feel like this person really respects you or your time, tell them “No”. If you don’t feel comfortable telling them “No”, then say “let me get back to you.” This usually buys you enough time for them to forget.
If you stay consistent with your new level of standards, they will eventually become your baseline level of standards. In other words, you won’t have to think about them as much because they will become automatic.
“If you don’t set baseline standards for what you’ll accept in your life, you’ll find it easy to slip into behaviors and attitudes and a quality of life that’s far below what you deserve.” – Tony Robbins
7. Be Kind but Assertive
People often make the mistake that being assertive is rude or impolite, it’s not. Although it helps to know how to be assertive and not come across like a jerk.
Being assertive is simply being firm in your conviction. If you don’t want to do something, say “Sorry, I can’t right now.” and leave it at that. Being assertive doesn’t leave room for negotiation or manipulation. You have made you decision and you’re standing firm.
Why do people pleasers have a hard time being assertive?
Well, people pleasers often have a hard time being assertive because they are afraid of offending people or having someone not like them.
They’re afraid that if they say no, that person will resent them. This of course is ridiculous. Most people won’t stay up all night thinking about how you said “no” to their request. They might be disappointed for a day or two but then they will get over it. They may even forget they ever asked you.
The point is, don’t be afraid to be assertive. If you don’t want to do something, then don’t do it. You don’t have to come up with a lie or an excuse either.
People often think that they have to offer a long explanation of why they can’t do something. Don’t fall into this trap. It will make you appear weak and uncertain.
You don’t need to think of some elaborate explanation, just tell them “Sorry, I can’t right now” or “Let me get back to you” and leave it at that.
“When you say “yes” to others, make sure you aren’t saying “no” to yourself.”
Paulo Coehlo
8. Remove Toxic People
So, you implemented all the steps that I discussed and there are a couple of people in your life that aren’t happy with the new you.
What should you do?
To be frank, get rid of them. The people in your life should be supportive and understanding, not manipulative and controlling.
If there are people in your life who are upset that you are now sticking up for yourself and setting boundaries, then they don’t really care about you. They care more about what you can do for them.
They like the old you, the person that they could call on for favors and know that you will help them out no matter how inconvenient the favor.
These kinds of people must go. They will not be receptive to your new rules and boundaries. They will only inhibit your growth and try to bring you down.
Now, if they are family members it’s a little more difficult to cut them off. Instead of trying to cut them off, just restrict the amount of time that you spend with them.
When you do spend time with them, stay true to your new set of beliefs about yourself. You are no longer a people pleaser and you refuse to be taken advantage of. They may not like it, but they will have to get used to it.
“Toxic people attach themselves like cinder blocks tied to your ankles, and then invite you for a swim in their poisoned waters.” ― John Mark Green
